Starting Fires

I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged for the last month to the point that I just wanted to give up on this writing thing. I’ve been thinking too much about lost love and I’ve been uninspired. I stopped believing in myself. I wrote a rant by saying fuck everything even your God who has allowed so much suffering. I posted it for maybe 7 minutes then I deleted it. Once I got those feelings out, I felt a bit better.

I’m still on my UK craze and I’ve been watching lots of Guy Ritchie movies and most recently watched THE GENTLEMEN series on Netflix. I’ve noticed that Guy Ritchie movies tend to have great soundtracks. There’s a track in episode 5 I’ve Hundreds of Cousins of THE GENTLEMEN that hit hard, it’s so dope. I had to find it and I did. It’s called Starting Fires by Lazy Habits, and it gave me the inspiration I needed. I can’t stop now. I’m too close and I won’t give up.

I told my sister recently that I wanted to sleep and not wake up. This song changed that for me along with tracks Fade and The Road. I don’t want to harp on lost love but it’s something I don’t think most understand the carnage it leaves behind. I recently saw the quote below on Facebook, and it couldn’t be more spot on.

It's interesting that I know exactly why I’ve been feeling so blue and I’m doing all I can to overcome it but it’s a daily struggle. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever recover from the pain one person has inflicted on me but damn it I’ve got to try. I’m not too old and it’s not too late.

I often say that 2012 was the best year of my life. I’ll tell you why and the reason I’m reflecting on it. Over the last 2 years I’ve bounced back and forth between happiness and not wanting to exist. With the latter taking the lead. I know why. In 2012 I’m sure I was mildly manic, which always brings me joy, but also extremely poor judgement. Due to my mild mania, I lost the job that was paying the bills. I refused at the time to take another job that would stifle me creatively and made a conscious decision to live in my car. I was happy because I was free. I had virtually no responsibilities. I did have a sales position at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills, and I didn’t mind working there due to all the opulence. I stopped paying all bills except cell phone and gym membership and I no longer spent 8 hours of my day at a place I despised. Not to mention the unending sunshine and regular visits to the ocean.

Moral of the story is I felt completely free until my poor judgement got the better of me and caused a psychotic break. I’ve struggled to maintain my happiness because I feel imprisoned. The thing that would bring me the most joy right now is quitting my job or at least cutting my hours in half. I’m racking my brain to find a way out. I don’t have lots of bills, but enough that I need to work, and I’ve got to have health insurance.

My dream immerged out of my desire to maintain freedom from an 8-hour daily prison, and I’ve got to keep going. I can simplify a bit more and start saving. I just want to sell everything, live on the beach, and write. Maybe one day.