Numb

As much as I appreciate being well and I want to remain well mentally it comes with a price. I have lost my passion for everything including the publishing of my book. I hardly spend time on the proposal, which is my last step before the submissions process. I no longer have big dreams or much desire to make an impact on society. I’d much rather just eat and sleep. I’ve gained six pounds because I even lost my desire to be thin. I guess I shouldn’t say that. I still want to be thin but I’m trying to fill some sort of void by eating bad foods like ice cream and pizza. I’ve had some bad days where I even purged, and I refuse to become bulimic. I don’t know how to motivate myself. I was doing well with increasing my workouts but this week I’ve been lagging.

Times like this make me desire the feeling of mania. I just want to have hope and a purpose again. I want to be driven and unstoppable. I want to have a positive impact on society and break the stigma of mental illness but I’m just at a standstill. It’s as if the medication numbs you and you feel nothing. Maybe it’s due to a lack of romantic love and the doubt that I will ever experience that type of love again. I would like to think that I’ll take a trip to London and meet a masculine man and fall in love but how likely is that really.

I hardly ever laugh and even when I spend time with others it’s difficult to fully enjoy myself. It’s as if I’m just a shell of a person and there’s nothing inside. I don’t feel depressed, nor do I cry I just feel numb and empty inside. Nothing fulfills me, not TV, not food, not exercise. Maybe writing. I feel pretty good as I’m writing this, and I hope it motivates me to work on the proposal. I desperately need to start the submissions process. My mom is turning eighty on September 16th and I want her to be alive to see my published book. She’s super healthy so I’m sure she has many more years ahead, but the manifestation of my dream is long overdue.

I know I can’t take the risk of adjusting my meds so I can feel again, but I want to. I do have an appointment this month so I’m going to express this to my psychiatrist and see what he thinks. I can’t risk impulsive behavior, exorbitant spending or not showing up for work but I’ve got to do something. I wish I could lower my dosage just to motivate myself and get stuff done. I haven’t posted in a month, and I’d like to do it at least twice a month. Weekly would be ideal but as I said I usually lack motivation.

It's as if I’m snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I heard that in an ethics class, and I feel it’s applicable to me. I can’t quit now.