What would you change?

If you could go back in time and make a different choice, what would you change? I think about It’s a Wonderful Life and George wishing he would have never been born then seeing what life would have been like without him. Well, there are 2 major decisions I made where if I could just go back, I’d change them.

While living in Hyde Park Chicago a friend asked me to buy her house in North Chicago, a place I had no desire to live. I initially said no and should have stuck to my guns. I loved living in Hyde Park and my apartment was larger than the 1-bedroom house I purchased. It was a beautiful house and I loved it, but it was in the wrong location. I had lots of friends in Chicago and there was so much to do. Not only that, but I was only ten minutes away from work on the train. Dumb, dumb decision. I think about it all the time.

Second choice I’d change. I received a phone call while at work in Chicago. I was asked if I’d like to attend a wedding in Charlotte, NC that I was not invited to and make it a mini vacation. I should have said no, but it was February and if you’ve been to Chicago in February, you’d understand why I made the wrong choice.

Those 2 bad decisions changed the trajectory of my life and not in a good way. This is before I knew how to live with intention. Before I knew I could plan my life. My plan was to live in Chicago and continue working my lucrative job and at that time that was a good plan.

So, what do I think would have been different. For one I would still be in Chicago likely in a place near the river, but I can’t go back. Secondly, I would have never married a man 19 years my junior who claimed to be my twin soul. If you meet someone with whom you have an indescribable magnetic connection to, run for your fucking life. Nothing is more painful than what that experience will be. Nothing! I’ve discussed this with the Universe many times. If the plan is for me to come back in another life to reunite with that person, I’m not doing it. I’d rather return to the dust than experience an ounce more of lies pain and massive disappointment.

My whole life has been a series of bad decisions until now. I lived many years with low self-esteem and a desire to be loved. That desire resulted in years of promiscuity which caused a bunch of preventable heartbreak and disappointment. Mostly with myself. If I only knew what I know now I would not have accepted not one relationship I’ve had with a man. I deserved so much more, but never demanded it. Now I feel like it might be too late, but maybe not. Many of those bad decisions were a result of my mental illness, impulsive behavior, hypersexuality and just downright stupidity.